Last week I sat with my son's teacher, the special education teacher, the school OT, the school Psychologist, and the school Speech Language Pathologist. We discussed the results of his evaluations that had just been completed. I had asked to have a draft of everything ahead of time so that I could review it and wasn't a deer caught in the headlights when I went into this meeting. I looked everything over and wasn't really surprised about the results. It was very true to how my little guy is. When I arrived at the meeting we had to wait a few minutes for some of the teachers to arrive. They had told me ahead of time that they had a prior meeting that day and that they'd probably run a few minutes behind schedule. While we waited I was talking with the Speech Language Pathologist, the school Psychologist, and the OT graduate student that was attending as well. We were discussing my son and how he had "performed" on his evaluations. They mentioned that they were happy he wasn't too withdrawn in the sessions and that it took him a while to warm up but that he did well answering questions and completing the given tasks. He was very wiggly during the evaluations and that at times he'd fallen out of the chair. Again no surprise to me.
Once everyone had arrived we got started and went through the assessments. I'm not going to share what everyone said, it's not important really. We discussed how he is very smart, but struggles with sitting still and focusing on tasks in the classroom. When he's alone with someone and one on one they are able to keep him on task. He may not seem like he's ever paying attention, however when asked a question he can typically answer it for you. Despite knowing all of this, it was still hard to hear. It's now there in front of me in black and white. The assessments show without a shadow of a doubt that my son will be diagnosed next week with ADHD. Tears started streaming down my face. I wasn't making this up...I wasn't imagining it...and all those times I tried to tell everyone, and they said "he's just a boy, he's fine" I was right. There, in black and white, it shows he struggles with processing sensory input and that he can often get over stimulated. He struggles in large groups focusing or staying on task unless redirected by a teacher. In one 10 minute period the OT observed that he had to be redirected 11 times to stay on task with his math assignment. I had to face the fact this day that my little boy is going to struggle in school. That I'm going to be fighting this fight every year to make sure he's getting his needs met. That I can't just "fix it" for him. That's the hardest part...Mommy can't "fix it" or "fix him" so that this is easy....for him...for us...it's ALWAYS going to be hard...
Next week we'll be seeing a private OT for him to get a second assessment and see what we can do to help him more at home as well as what can be done for him at school. We'll be heading back to the Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician to get the actual diagnosis and see where we go from here. As I look ahead I know we have a long road as we make decisions about how we can help my little "wiggle fidget". However, I think the hardest thing for me and my husband, and I know other parents in similar situations have had to come to this acceptance....we can't just fix this or change it. This is something that we have to accept and move forward with. However, as parents we always want to make our children's challenges in life easier. We want to take away the things that are going to make them hurt, sad, angry, or frustrated. We don't ever want them to feel defeated or less of a person. I never realized that the dream I had as a child to teach children and work with children that have learning disabilities, developmental delays, or other special needs was going to hit so close to home. I didn't realize that the education I was receiving through college was preparing me for not only my career as a teacher, but my life as a Mom. It's funny how God's plan for you always turns out to be so much more than you ever planned it was going to be for yourself. My education has not only taught me how to help children that I teach, but it's helped me to prepare for the most important job God has given me, being a Mom to two truly amazing little boys.
Over the past few months my little boy has cried to me because he says school is too hard. He's told me that his peers at school have teased him and made him sad. He's told me that he doesn't like having to sit in "take-a-breaks" because he is really trying hard to listen to directions but he can't. He's told me that he doesn't have friends (but he does). He's told me that school is too long...as a Mom this is so hard to hear and shatters my heart into a million pieces. This is not what we dream of for our children. With every fiber of our being we want them to love life, to be happy, to make friends, and to not face struggles like these. I just want to make it all better for him. I want to help him to understand. I want to sit beside him during school and make it all okay. But I can't. What I need to learn and realize is that my job is to give him the skills and tools to get through life. I need to teach him how to cope and deal with the situations that are hard for him. I need to help him learn to control some of his impulses and ways that will help him focus better and resist urges that he might have. It's not going to be easy. I'm learning it's going to be hard and it will always be harder for him than a child that doesn't deal with ADHD, SPD, or anxiety. It's going to take longer for him to learn these skills. I feel that as we move along there might be other things that start to appear for him that he struggles with. I feel he may have a language based learning disability as I see now he struggles with reading, expressing himself, and having conversations with others. We'll see as time goes, however I'm going to be ready.
I never thought that I'd have as hard of a time with this as I have. I'm a teacher and I've helped other parents to get help for their children and directed them to the resources they'd need. I have sat in meetings and told parents that their child is delayed in their development and that they should seek early intervention services. I've worked with them on seeking out the right services, on putting together IEP's, and understanding their child's struggles. When they haven't moved forward with the suggestions given I've thought why don't they want to help their child? Why are they putting this off. However, I'm now the one that is doing this for my son and it's been so hard. I now have a better understanding of what these parents have felt. I've sat in the meetings and cried. I've thought about it non-stop and wondered how can I fix it? I've read book after book and tried to find information on what to do and how to do it...but all those things aren't going to change what we're dealing with. They're not going to take away the hurt, pain, and sadness I feel for my child because I know the battles he'll face every day. It's not going to change the way his brain works and how it processes information. I've already seen how cruel people can be when they don't understand him and why he behaves the way that he does. I've had to drag him out of public places kicking and screaming. I've had to ask him repeatedly when at a restaurant or gymnastics meet to sit quietly and not climb all over the seats, railings, stairs, or people. I've had people stare when in a grocery store because he's having a meltdown over something so little that he just doesn't understand and because he's on sensory overload. Strangers however just think he's being a bratty kid. I've had to drag him away at a birthday party for my best friends 1 year old daughter because he had a meltdown. It is tiring. It is hard. It is emotionally draining. It is a struggle for my son to meet the expectations of his teachers and his peers. It is completely exhausting for us at home on a daily basis. I wish I didn't have to evaluate every scenario and wonder if he'll be able to handle it before we make plans. However, this is my life. This is how it's going to be for us and I'm starting to be okay with that. I feel that now knowing what is going on with my son, learning how we're going to deal with it all, and having a better understanding of how to get through each day is helping. Our life may be crazy. It may be tiring. But...it's our life, and I wouldn't change it for anything. This experience is not only teaching me about my son and his struggles. It's teaching me about how to be a better mother. It's teaching me about life. It's teaching me about my faith and trusting in the bigger plan God has for me. My son is teaching me more than I ever could have thought and I'm so beyond thankful for that. I'm proud to be his mother. I'm thankful that he is teaching me so much about myself, teaching his father so much about life, and teaching his brother how to be more accepting. I started off wishing I could "fix him" and make his life easier...but truthfully he's fixing me xoxo
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