We've all had those times that we've wanted to say something to someone, or express how we're feeling, but we just didn't know how to put it all into words. This past month my husband and I have been going through something in our life that is really changing a lot for us and I've not been sure how to express all the feelings and emotions that have been running through me. In a previous post I shared with you how it truly frustrated me when a man at my son's gymnastics facility made a rude comment about my youngest son...well we've been going through the process of having assessments done through the school as well as having them done privately. The emotions that I've gone through in this process have been exhausting to say the least. I've wondered why at night I'm just crashing when I put my boys to bed. I've wondered lately why I've felt as though I'm walking through a fog most of the time or why my head feels as though 90% of the day it's not attached to my body. To say I've been busy is a big understatement, but that's not where I've struggled the most. What's been the toughest thing for me is accepting that I can't "fix" my son. Yup I said it...I just wish I could fix it all for him so he doesn't have to struggle. As Mother's this is in our nature. This is what we're ingrained to do right? As a mother, wife, daughter, friend we always feel the urge or need to fix "it" for those we love. We want to take away the pain, the struggles, and those things in the lives of those we love that cause them pain and suffering. Growing up I always knew that I wanted to be a teacher and a Mom. I've always had this urge to help others and work with children. I've had a passion to teach children with special needs and help them realize their full potential despite the struggles in life that they may face. However, I never knew just how personal that dream was going to be for me. I didn't know just how much I'd be able to relate to the parents of the children I'm going to teach.
Last week I sat with my son's teacher, the special education teacher, the school OT, the school Psychologist, and the school Speech Language Pathologist. We discussed the results of his evaluations that had just been completed. I had asked to have a draft of everything ahead of time so that I could review it and wasn't a deer caught in the headlights when I went into this meeting. I looked everything over and wasn't really surprised about the results. It was very true to how my little guy is. When I arrived at the meeting we had to wait a few minutes for some of the teachers to arrive. They had told me ahead of time that they had a prior meeting that day and that they'd probably run a few minutes behind schedule. While we waited I was talking with the Speech Language Pathologist, the school Psychologist, and the OT graduate student that was attending as well. We were discussing my son and how he had "performed" on his evaluations. They mentioned that they were happy he wasn't too withdrawn in the sessions and that it took him a while to warm up but that he did well answering questions and completing the given tasks. He was very wiggly during the evaluations and that at times he'd fallen out of the chair. Again no surprise to me.
Once everyone had arrived we got started and went through the assessments. I'm not going to share what everyone said, it's not important really. We discussed how he is very smart, but struggles with sitting still and focusing on tasks in the classroom. When he's alone with someone and one on one they are able to keep him on task. He may not seem like he's ever paying attention, however when asked a question he can typically answer it for you. Despite knowing all of this, it was still hard to hear. It's now there in front of me in black and white. The assessments show without a shadow of a doubt that my son will be diagnosed next week with ADHD. Tears started streaming down my face. I wasn't making this up...I wasn't imagining it...and all those times I tried to tell everyone, and they said "he's just a boy, he's fine" I was right. There, in black and white, it shows he struggles with processing sensory input and that he can often get over stimulated. He struggles in large groups focusing or staying on task unless redirected by a teacher. In one 10 minute period the OT observed that he had to be redirected 11 times to stay on task with his math assignment. I had to face the fact this day that my little boy is going to struggle in school. That I'm going to be fighting this fight every year to make sure he's getting his needs met. That I can't just "fix it" for him. That's the hardest part...Mommy can't "fix it" or "fix him" so that this is easy....for him...for us...it's ALWAYS going to be hard...
Next week we'll be seeing a private OT for him to get a second assessment and see what we can do to help him more at home as well as what can be done for him at school. We'll be heading back to the Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician to get the actual diagnosis and see where we go from here. As I look ahead I know we have a long road as we make decisions about how we can help my little "wiggle fidget". However, I think the hardest thing for me and my husband, and I know other parents in similar situations have had to come to this acceptance....we can't just fix this or change it. This is something that we have to accept and move forward with. However, as parents we always want to make our children's challenges in life easier. We want to take away the things that are going to make them hurt, sad, angry, or frustrated. We don't ever want them to feel defeated or less of a person. I never realized that the dream I had as a child to teach children and work with children that have learning disabilities, developmental delays, or other special needs was going to hit so close to home. I didn't realize that the education I was receiving through college was preparing me for not only my career as a teacher, but my life as a Mom. It's funny how God's plan for you always turns out to be so much more than you ever planned it was going to be for yourself. My education has not only taught me how to help children that I teach, but it's helped me to prepare for the most important job God has given me, being a Mom to two truly amazing little boys.
Over the past few months my little boy has cried to me because he says school is too hard. He's told me that his peers at school have teased him and made him sad. He's told me that he doesn't like having to sit in "take-a-breaks" because he is really trying hard to listen to directions but he can't. He's told me that he doesn't have friends (but he does). He's told me that school is too long...as a Mom this is so hard to hear and shatters my heart into a million pieces. This is not what we dream of for our children. With every fiber of our being we want them to love life, to be happy, to make friends, and to not face struggles like these. I just want to make it all better for him. I want to help him to understand. I want to sit beside him during school and make it all okay. But I can't. What I need to learn and realize is that my job is to give him the skills and tools to get through life. I need to teach him how to cope and deal with the situations that are hard for him. I need to help him learn to control some of his impulses and ways that will help him focus better and resist urges that he might have. It's not going to be easy. I'm learning it's going to be hard and it will always be harder for him than a child that doesn't deal with ADHD, SPD, or anxiety. It's going to take longer for him to learn these skills. I feel that as we move along there might be other things that start to appear for him that he struggles with. I feel he may have a language based learning disability as I see now he struggles with reading, expressing himself, and having conversations with others. We'll see as time goes, however I'm going to be ready.
I never thought that I'd have as hard of a time with this as I have. I'm a teacher and I've helped other parents to get help for their children and directed them to the resources they'd need. I have sat in meetings and told parents that their child is delayed in their development and that they should seek early intervention services. I've worked with them on seeking out the right services, on putting together IEP's, and understanding their child's struggles. When they haven't moved forward with the suggestions given I've thought why don't they want to help their child? Why are they putting this off. However, I'm now the one that is doing this for my son and it's been so hard. I now have a better understanding of what these parents have felt. I've sat in the meetings and cried. I've thought about it non-stop and wondered how can I fix it? I've read book after book and tried to find information on what to do and how to do it...but all those things aren't going to change what we're dealing with. They're not going to take away the hurt, pain, and sadness I feel for my child because I know the battles he'll face every day. It's not going to change the way his brain works and how it processes information. I've already seen how cruel people can be when they don't understand him and why he behaves the way that he does. I've had to drag him out of public places kicking and screaming. I've had to ask him repeatedly when at a restaurant or gymnastics meet to sit quietly and not climb all over the seats, railings, stairs, or people. I've had people stare when in a grocery store because he's having a meltdown over something so little that he just doesn't understand and because he's on sensory overload. Strangers however just think he's being a bratty kid. I've had to drag him away at a birthday party for my best friends 1 year old daughter because he had a meltdown. It is tiring. It is hard. It is emotionally draining. It is a struggle for my son to meet the expectations of his teachers and his peers. It is completely exhausting for us at home on a daily basis. I wish I didn't have to evaluate every scenario and wonder if he'll be able to handle it before we make plans. However, this is my life. This is how it's going to be for us and I'm starting to be okay with that. I feel that now knowing what is going on with my son, learning how we're going to deal with it all, and having a better understanding of how to get through each day is helping. Our life may be crazy. It may be tiring. But...it's our life, and I wouldn't change it for anything. This experience is not only teaching me about my son and his struggles. It's teaching me about how to be a better mother. It's teaching me about life. It's teaching me about my faith and trusting in the bigger plan God has for me. My son is teaching me more than I ever could have thought and I'm so beyond thankful for that. I'm proud to be his mother. I'm thankful that he is teaching me so much about myself, teaching his father so much about life, and teaching his brother how to be more accepting. I started off wishing I could "fix him" and make his life easier...but truthfully he's fixing me xoxo
It's Mother's Day today. It's 6 am and I'm sitting here with my coffee, toast, and peace and quiet (for a little bit anyways). I'm reflecting on yesterdays race, and how much I've changed as a runner and person over the past four years. I didn't realize it until running my second half marathon yesterday. I felt strong, calm, my breathing was even the whole race, and I didn't stop at all in the 13.1 miles. I still don't believe it and how well the whole race went.
The night before the race I had stayed at my Mom and Dad's house in Alton. We had a yummy dinner of tortellini, mixed veggies, ravioli's, and grilled chicken. The dinner was delicious and just perfect for fueling up for the race the next day. We got all our running "swag" that night as well. I was feeling excited and really good about the race the next day. We went to bed early and made sure to get lots of rest. We planned to wake up bright and early so that we could have plenty of time in the morning to get things together, the kids fed, and off to the starting line. We made sure we had taken a few bathroom breaks as well so we didn't have to go during the race.
Race day morning we were up at 5:45-6:00. I had my coffee, black, and a piece of wheat toast with peanut butter for some protein and energy. I knew I didn't want to eat too much, and was planning on having my picky bar on the way to the race start. I got ready in my running clothes, did my hair, and did a little stretching. I felt I was in a good mind set...calm, but excited...and eager to get going. We were ready to leave the house about 7:40, it was only a few minutes away to get to the start of the race from my Mom's, and we knew we wanted to be in the back of the group when starting. We didn't want to feel pushed and knew we were not the fastest runners. When we arrived at the race there were lots of other people just getting there as well. We left our sweatshirts in the car, even though it was about 40 out, we didn't want to worry about finding them later at the end. The walk to the start was cold, I jogged a little to warm up my legs and get my blood flowing. I got my endomondo ready and my music and as we got closer to the start line. As we approached we could hear the National Anthem playing and then the gun went off. As the runners started heading across the start line my Mom, sister, and I got our music playing, and then moved into a jog as we crossed the start. It was the perfect way to start the race. We weren't standing waiting for the gun to go off and getting anxious or nervous. We moved right across the start line and into the long run ahead. We were smiling. We were moving at a good pace, together. We ran the first four miles at a steady pace of 10:20 to 10:40 minutes per mile. We felt strong and steady. The three of us moved together as one. We kept together step by step, stride by stride. We talked. We smiled. We laughed. As I ran with my Mom and sister I felt strong. I knew that I was going to make it through these 13.1 miles without difficulty. I felt the best I ever have in a race. I knew that all my training and hard work was going to get me to that finish line.
As we headed to mile four I could feel my legs tightening up. I had kept my stride with theirs for a while, but I knew it was time to stretch my stride and pick up my pace. I didn't want to leave them, because this race wasn't about beating a time or crossing the finish first, but about what we'd trained for together. It was about a passion that we share and a love for running. This race was about our bond as Mother and Daughters. However, I couldn't keep pace with them any longer. I knew if I did my legs may tighten up and cramp because I was holding back. So I slowly picked up my pace and moved ahead of my Mom and sister. It felt great. I felt comfortable. My breathing was even, and I felt a fire inside me ignite. As my pace slightly picked up I hit mile five, six, and seven. I couldn't believe how great I still felt. I wasn't tired, the cool morning air and wind kept my breathing steady and kept me cool. As I came to the end of Route 11 and turned onto 11D just before the mile seven marker I knew this is where the hills were coming. I remembered from four years ago when I hit this back road that the rolling hills were a struggle for me. I knew that this time I had trained more on hills and that I could run up them if I just kept calm and my pace stayed slow and steady. As the hills approached I was able to make it up them without walking. I hit the top and a huge smile came across my face. I knew I had this! I felt that I was floating on air. I felt that I had wings.
As I started to moved towards the last few miles I couldn't believe how strong I still felt. My endomondo tracker rang in my ear that I was at mile 11. I had kept a steady pace throughout the race for the past four miles of around 10 minutes per mile. I knew that I still had it in me to pick up my pace for the last two miles and finish strong. I could feel myself getting tired, and as I hit mile 12 I started to hit that mental battle. I started to feel as though I wanted to walk, but I didn't let my head get in my way. I knew that all I had left was one mile. I could do this. I could run the whole race and not stop. I kept my feet moving. I kept my breathing even. Then the words that my husband Travis had said to me the night before flowed into my head....he said to me "when you hit mile 8 (but it was mile 11 at this point) remember what you've been working for. Remember all the hard work you've put in and why you're doing this. Know that you can do it and keep going. I love you babe. You've got this". I smiled and pushed through. I came around the corner in the last quarter mile and could see the finish line. I could hear the crowed cheering. Then as I hit the final turn I saw familiar faces. Standing at the beginning of the tunnel was my Dad, with my nephew, and my two boys. I hear them cheering. "Momma! Go Momma!" tears started flowing and I screamed from excitement. It was truly the best feeling that rushed over me. I said "come on!" and they ran up to me. Grabbed my hands and started running to the finish with me. I knew that I did it! I knew that all my hard work at that moment had payed off.
This race wasn't about my time, or the pace that I was running. This race was so much more than that. This race was about the hard work. It was about sharing a love and passion for something with my Mother and Sister. It was about accomplishments that I achieved that I never thought I could. I didn't ever think I could run a half marathon without stopping. I used to struggle running hills, but I ran EVERY hill in this race without walking. I felt as though someone was with me carrying me every step. It was a feeling I've never felt before.
This race taught me so many things about myself. It taught me that the struggles you face are worth it, because it's a step forward in your journey. Those struggles are what gets you to the finish and they make you stronger. Hearing my boys voices as I approached the final stretch of the race taught me that I'm setting an example for them. By my lead I'm teaching them to never give up. I'm teaching them that you can accomplish your dreams. I'm teaching them about health and fitness and that it's a part of your life and who you are. I am showing them through example that strength is so much more then being strong physically, but about being strong mentally.
Know that the first time you try something new it may be hard and it may be a struggle, but that doesn't mean to give up. Keep working at it. Keep pushing and moving forward. Don't EVER give up because all that hard work you put in each day is one step closer to your end goal, whatever that may be. Each time you try you will learn something about yourself and each time the journey will become easier. Remember to keep your eyes open for the lessons you will learn along the way because that...that is what is most important.
Much love,
Chrissy
Fit Mommy of 2
Yes we've all done it. We've all stood there and looked at someone and made a judgement on them based on their outer appearance. I've done it. I've stood their in a grocery store line or at a park and made a judgement on someone based on what they look like, or what I've seen them do in only a few minutes time. However, I've then thought to myself "why are you doing that? What gives you the right to pass judgement on someone you don't know?" I hate myself for it to be honest. The only one that has a right to judge ANYONE or ANYTHING is God, so who am I to stand here and judge this person by a few minute view at their life? Well, this is what I want to share today. My thoughts on judgement and how NO ONE has any right to think you know what someone is like or what their life is like unless you've walked even a few hours in their life, in their head, and in their shoes.
So why do I want to share this with you today? Well i want to give you a little insight in my life for a bit and the life of other parents that have children with disabilities...seen or unseen. I usually share here on my blog about my journey with healthy living and fitness and the passion I have for helping others reach their goals. However, if you're going to work with me I want you to know more about me and what my life is like and what passions I have. I've always had a love for helping others. This is why I've gone into teaching and back to school for my Masters in elementary education and special education, because I like to help others work towards and reach their goals in life, whatever that may be. So with that, back to my topic today....last week I was having a conversation with my mother about my younger son, we'll call him Z (my wiggle fidget). He is a very busy boy, always on the move. He has a VERY hard time sitting still at any moment and enjoys talking nonstop! He has difficulty with following conversation and will often go off topic if you're talking to him. He'll start discussing something that may have happened a week ago when you're talking about the TV show you were watching when having a dinner conversation. So this year he's struggled in school with being so busy. He's in full day kindergarten. We're currently going through the process of having him evaluated for services. I've been talking with Behavioral Specialists, his pediatrician, his teacher, the special Ed. Teacher, school psychologist, school OT, a private OT, the school speech language pathologist, and so on. So needless to say I've been busy in trying to find out just what my little wiggle fidget is dealing with and how to help him better focus at school and make it through the day without feeling defeated. Which he often does. However, when looking at him you wouldn't know that he deals with all these difficulties, hence the passing judgement when you don't know....not all people or children that have learning disabilities, or struggles are seen to the naked eye. Even when they are visible to you, you still don't know what that child or their family deals with on a daily basis. The other day I was talking with my Mom about my son and his recent appointments and she mentioned to me how one of the parents at my Son's gymnastics made a statement to another parent (in ear shot of my mother) that my son Z is "the rudest child he's ever met". Yup, this parent said it. Not to mention he doesn't actually "know" my child. He's seen him at the gymnastics center, maybe observed him in an hour class, and on this particular day that this parent made this statement, my son was being VERY good! He's was playing with another child and they were not running around the upstairs area, they were not yelling, screaming, or being "rude". He was BEING A KID! So this brings me to my point. This parent has NO IDEA what my child struggles with on a daily basis. This parent doesn't know that he cries to me at night saying that he had to "take a break" at school many times and that he was trying so hard to listen but he just can't. This parent has no idea that my son is being assessed for multiple learning disabilities and that he has an unending urge to run, jump, swing, play, climb, flip, and talk beyond control. That his body wants him to constantly move and he has difficulty controlling that urge. He has NO IDEA that my son has difficulty following multi-step directions and that when I call him or talk to him it sometimes doesn't register until I walk over to him and look him in the eye. This parent has no idea that my son has difficulty processing input through sight, sound, touch, and taste. He doesn't know that my son deals with anxiety on a daily basis. So why...why does he think that he can make such a bold statement about my child, or anyone's child, when he doesn't know them? And this guy is a PARENT! He's basing a judgement on what he has seen a few times without having a conversation with me or my son. I find it so appalling.
This brings me to this blog post today. Before you pass judgement on someone stop and think for a minute. Do you know this person. Do you know what they deal with on a daily basis? Do you know what their life is like? Do you know what they've gone through in their life? Do you know what challenges they've faced? Unless they are your close family or friend you don't know. So before you make such bold statements, judgements, or accusations about their life or their choices stop, say hello, and get their story. Maybe, just maybe you'll learn something. You'll understand. You'll get to know them and be inspired, touched, or changed. People every day deal with struggles with their weight, their health, their confidence. They've battled things that you don't know. Many struggles that people have are unseen to the naked eye. Mental disabilities, eating disorders, learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, health issues are all things that when looking at someone, you wont know their daily battle. So why? Why do we think that we can make a judgement on a tiny snippet of their life? Please next time you think you're going to make a judgement stop yourself. Think to yourself is this right? Is this fair? What are they dealing with and why are they making these choices or acting this way? Stop and think that God has made us all perfect and beautiful in his eye, so we have no right to judge. Then, and only then maybe walk up to them and say hello. Maybe lend a helping hand. Maybe even say to them "hang in there, you're doing great."
Much Love <3
Chrissy
Chrissy Locke Health & Fitness
Fit Mommy of 2
chrissylockehealth.fitness@Gmail.com
